by M. Mileva
For my finals, I decided to use four of the images I’ve produced this term. Four self portraits. Four images of myself. Four blurry images, based on my inside emotional status.
My final set is made while investigating already setted tasks, I’ve found and understood several things about myself from myself. Therefore, my last assignment is presented using self portraits. Before the time of Picbod tasks, I didn’t completely see what self portraits actually mean. After Ross Rawlings’ talk, I left the lecture room in thoughts. Self portrait should be something much stronger than snapping yourself for fun. The Self portrait should be a presentation of self behavior, feelings, mood, statement, life. Also, looking into ‘the Self’ is another way of understanding the surroundings – people and places. Investigating a body, a relationship, an emotion is investigating a whole separate world.
Going through a really tough period of my life, I realized I need more time with myself; more time for understanding my own universe and so to be able to understand everything around. Therefore, my chosen pictures are based on the idea of my lost soul. They are not fixed and static, but rather blurry and moving. Appearing and disappearing again. Because, I’m going through a new part of my life, being little lost and confused. The movement shows my floating soul, wander like a ghost searching for answers, searching ‘the Way’, searching itself with hope and wide open eyes. Not sure where to go, what to do, who it is, what it is, but looking forward for a Light. One soul in transformation; born anew, building itself. A soul much stronger, more determined, more purposeful; looking and taking care of itself, trying to heal still bleeding scars. One suffering soul, seeing its whole life different way – much wiser, mature, but, in the same time, weaker and unprotected. Being like a smoke – here and nowhere.
I choose to present them black and white, because grey palette is what the feeling is about – with colors and without – melancholic and lonely; the transformation is coming, but it’s still on its way. This is the reason for all the noise and imperfection in quality, too. They are supposed to be printed size A1, but because of lack of student money, I’ll do just one and the rest three of them – size 6’’x8’’.
The reason of 4 is also not by accident. 4 is the number marked my life with a huge scar. The bleeding scar which will never completely heals. This too which will never pass. A soul, combined of 4, as its used to be, but now – one of the parts is separate and should convertible combine itself with each of the rest three. The pieces go presented in communication by 2. The idea of 2 is that in everything there are 2 sides – dark and bright, before and after, male and female. Therefore, they become one whole piece of 2 couples – each containing one more still and other – more flowing piece; but in the same time, working as good as being separate by one. One soul, two shapes, two truths, four parts, four directions, four ways, four roads, one way out – ahead.
I’m presenting them printed on canvas, because the texture of that material compliments the imperfection of the images. According to Paul Wright – “What is finish is dead”, I see the need of being painted with colors, a bit more, but not completely, finished. Canvas is a material which allows being absorbed, transformed, developed, but also left white, pure and untouched. This is what I’m showing in my photographs – a process, a transformation, a reality; a mechanism, a creature, a life.
They will not be showed in frames, but rather “naked” on a wall, stick with pins. The soul is not completed, the images are not perfect, the presentation is rugged – one rough sketch of a lost suffering soul.
Picbod Evaluation [PDF]